Je ne sais quoi

I just left Publix, a grocery store that consistently has some of THE BEST customer service that you will ever receive. Well, there was this one time… But Hey! We are all allowed a bad day right? Anywho, as I was walking through the parking lot alongside the gentleman who bagged my groceries and also INSISTED that he helped me carry them to my car, he said something that made me smile. As we approached my car, he says, “There is something about you. You have this… this… (he struggled to find his words in which he never did quite find… lol) thing about you, but it’s nice. It’s a good energy. You don’t find that in many people.”

Now this wasn’t a pick up line of any sort. This young man was very genuine in his compliment. I actually get “that” a lot and every time I hear it, it’s like I’m hearing it for the first time and I remain flattered. I didn’t do anything extraordinary during my interaction with this gentleman. I spoke. I smiled? I asked him how he was doing. I was just being my normal self.

Occurrences like this allow me to appreciate myself even more. I am not for everyone. For some I may be too much. For some I just may not be enough. One thing for sure is that I am, who I am and I will attract the people in my life that I should. I will disinterest the people who were not meant to be in my life and I am completely okay with that.

Thank you young man.

BEYOUTIFUL!

 

J-E-L-L…NO.

Guilty as charged. Bill Cosby was convicted of 3 counts of aggravated indecent assault. As with most high profile cases, people around the world rushed to social media to weigh in on the case and verdict. My timeline was filled with reactions. Many of which bothered me a great deal. I was sitting in the hair salon getting my locs colored and re-twisted when a notification of the verdict reached my phone. I shared the information with the salon and I was quickly reminded of how “WE” have all been guilty at some point of time of speaking too loudly… too quick. It is very important; wise even, to always know your environment or the crowd in which you are entertaining or addressing.

One of the lady’s in the shop who was also getting her hair re-twisted, questioned why these ladies chose to come forward all of these years later. She also seemed to take issue with the reality that Bill Cosby could even be legally charged all these years later. I found this to be completely repulsive. Are you less guilty of a crime 20 years later?

I am a 35 year old woman who in both childhood and womanhood has experienced different forms of sexual assault. I thank GOD that though I was violated, I was never raped. However, I could have been. I have God, a knife, my best friend, quick wit, mental and physical strength to thank for that. Most of these incidents happened between the age of 10 and 18.  I am STILL healing from these things. There are some details that I still have not been able to share with anyone. Yes, years later.

When I hear people speak so ignorantly and (might I add) LOUDLY of subject matters that they themselves have no real knowledge of, it pisses me off. There really is no other way to say it. When the physical pain subsides, the sexual offended are still left to carry the the emotional and psychological scars that are left behind. Often times victims are left feeling shame from something that was DONE TO THEM. Generally, shame is self imposed, so is guilt, but not in these situations. Healing becomes a process; a long road to recovery. 

I recall looking for reasons of why a grown man would shove an 11 year old in a closet, stick his tongue down her throat as he felt her body down. Was it me? Was I (as the old folks used to say) “skinning & grinning” too much? Was I too friendly? For years I tried to  find reason in, “Why me?” When I couldn’t find it, I just blamed myself.

I moved to Alaska in 2002, just before turning 19 years old, after I found myself fighting off yet another man who just couldn’t take “no” for an answer and it wasn’t my first, second or even third “no.” However, with over 4,000 miles of distance separating us, I hoped it to be my last. My mom, knew of none of these incidents. NONE. Not one. I finally felt brave enough to tell her 4-5 years after the very first violation of any sort from this man in particular. Why did it take me so long? I was afraid. I was afraid of what may happened to my mom if I told. I was afraid of what may have happened to me. I was afraid of being blamed. I didn’t think my mom would believe me and/or would question my part in it. It turned out that, that I ended up having to face some of those very fears.

So when people ask why these women took so long to come forward, I am disgusted. I understand that we live in a world where people are looking for opportunities to profit and gain notoriety from false claims of sexual assault. It is a sad and sick reality, but let’s not forget that it also a very sad and sick reality that people in positions of power have, for years, used that very influence to remain wolves in sheep’s clothing.  To impose fear among the “weak.” I can understand why these women did not speak up years ago. They feared losing their career. They feared being ridiculed or disbelieved.  They needed to heal and you CAN NOT put a timer on healing.

I am sure that we can all think back to a moment in our lives when it took the courage of someone else, for us to find ours. It may have been as simple as diving off of a diving board at a pool or raising your hand to ask a question in class. No matter what is it, we have all AT SOME POINT taken a queue from others. So, if it took the vigor of JUST ONE woman to bring about the courage in others, we should applaud that woman and the ones she helped to find their voice. There are people who go to their grave and silently suffer all of their lives out of fear. So no matter how long it takes or the driving force behind it, I pray we all find our voices as did these brave women.

I will close out this entry by saying this, the only people who know what happened between Mr. Cosby and those women are Bill Cosby and those women, We are not the judge or the jury. We have a right to our own thoughts and opinions, but we also have a charge to be both considerate and respectful of those around us.

Coachella 2018

17 more days until Coachella 2018! I am so excited! I have wanted to go to Coachella since the year they did the hologram of 2pac! Talk about dope! This year Beyonce, Eminem and The Weekend are headlining and there are a lot of other amazing artists that I am excited to see. Wait, I’m sorry. Did I mention that Bey’ will be there???!

So, ask me if my bags are packed! Okay! Okay! If you really need to know… NO, but I do have a lot of great options! I have packed and unpacked my bag several times at this point.

Awwww mannnn!!!

It’s hard out here for Queen! I have my outfits broken down into 3 different categories.

  1. Definites – These item/looks are MUST WEARS. Whether I pack them to wear for the actual festival or plans outside of the festival, they WILL BE WORN! Oh and did I fail to mention PHOTO SHOOTS??? Listen, no outfit will be wasted!
  2. Options – So this pile contains pieces that can either assist in me switching up or adding to my definites. Also, being that I am so accident prone, I may just spill some juice or …Crown Royal (lol…ijs) or something on myself and need to move some things around. I got options bihhhhh! lol
  3. Just in case – Now this pile guarantees that I will be ready for any spontaneous moves my crew and I decide to make. We have few plans outside of Coachella itself, but you just never know. We have rented a house that has everything we would need, BUT plans change and um… She WILL NOT be caught slippin!

Then there are the accessories. Well… I haven’t really started on those yet, but they should be easy. Shoes… I am working on those too! Swim suits… I have one definite! lol Okay, so I have some work to do! All good. Rest assured that the day I board that flight headed to LAX, I will be FULLY packed.

 

Chapters…

Chapter 35. A new chapter of my life.

Two days ago, I entered Chapter 35!!! Yayyyy!!! Excited? lol Well… I am! As I approached this new chapter of my life, I decided that I would declare it my NEW BIRTHday. I feel that over the last year, God… life, has been developing me into this beautiful embryo and finally, I am ready to BREATHE. I am ready to LIVE. I am ready to be okay with my imperfections as I now realize that those imperfections make me, me.

I am not sure of all the things that are to come for me moving forward. What I am sure about is that there will be discomfort, but doesn’t that usually precede change? And… isn’t change the one thing that is consistent in life? I guess what I am saying is that I welcome the discomfort that will bring forth change in my life. Perhaps, it is what I need in this stage of my life. Motivation I guess…

For most of my life, I have always kept a journal. I am thankful for that, because I am always able to pull those old journals out and revisit certain periods of my life. I am also able to track personal; growth. Lastly, as my memory seems to not be what it once was (3 kids will do that to you!), I am able to just recollect. This blog will be no different in that aspect. I will be able to revisit former posts and track growth, but unlike my private journals,  I will also be extending these same conveniences to the world.  A little scary, I guess, but part of my “development” over the last year was accepting (what I have known for quite sometime) that I am NOT perfect. I AM flawed. I make mistakes. I often times speak too soon, too much and  even too loud. I AM and I AM NOT a lot of things. However, I feel a need to be a little more transparent. I feel a desire to share my life with the world. There is so much that can be learned from me just as there is so much that I have learned through the transparency of others.

I won’t commit to a daily post or even a weekly post. I would probably be setting myself up for failure if I did that. I will not commit to posting the most private and intimate details of my life, but I will commit to opening  the doors of my life a little lot more than I ever have. I look forward to this new chapter and I look forward to sharing it with you… all of you.

Disclaimer: I am a very impulsive soul. I sometimes form an opinion prior to proper or thorough examination, but as I am able to admit to these flaws, I am also able to apologize or retract when I am wrong or have simply changed my thoughts on something.  Most importantly, I am a work in progress.

-Ebbie (Ebony)